Solitude
by siriusrain
Summary: Learning the truth of what happened to him, Alan Humphries realizes that all Shinigami are born alone and will always be alone.  My version of what caused his illness and his actions leading up to the musical.


Solitude

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_"My delicious meal…hunting and wooing wasted…accursed Shinigami, I will destroy you slowly until you beg for your end!"_

"_I will not let you continue to destroy lives. Your end will be here and now!"_

* * *

First came pain. Searing pain that shot into his chest and made the breath rush out of his lungs. He wasn't human, so pain should never have been an issue. Damage taken in battle was healed within just a few hours at the most. This…there was no explanation and no knowledge of how to correct it.

Shinigami did not have healers. There was no need. Short of going to Kami himself, there were no answers for them, and Kami would not listen to the plight of simple Shinigami. There were more to take his place if it should come to it after all.

Alan bore the pain as silently as possible. He was Shinigami and as such did not have the luxury of time to wait for pain to pass. He could not disappoint those who had placed their faith in him. His work was too important. The delicate lost souls could not defend themselves once they had left their bodies. He needed to save them and bring them to where they belonged.

He fought his battle against pain alone as he did everything in his life. All Shinigami came into the world alone and they remained as such throughout their long lives.

"Alan?"

Concerned green eyes hovered over him. The pain was dazzling and his vision began to haze at the edges. Where was he when this attack began? Did he finish his mission?

"ALAN!"

The darkness dragged him down into the pain and he felt a scream pour out his lips. Then…there was nothing.

* * *

_Alan panted, looking down at the fading remains of the demon woman. They had fought fiercely but he had succeeded. He had saved the souls of those he was sent to collect as well as countless others in the future. He tiled his head back and closed his eyes with a peaceful sigh._

_He had not been unscathed. Several cuts were already beginning to heal on his body, though his clothing was in ruins and would need to be replaced. It was all so seemingly normal that he did not notice that the demon woman's nails had broken into his skin and were slowly slipping inside of his chest._

* * *

Second came the fevers. It felt as if he were walking through water, everything moved slowly and felt heavy. Sometimes he felt as if he could see something out of the corner of his eye. It felt as if something was calling him, but he could not reach it. It seemed so safe and warm. Sometimes he would try to find it, but something cold and solid would block his path.

His whole body felt warm and he would bat at material that covered him until someone would place a cool washcloth against his skin. It would be enough at times that he could drift off to sleep and wake refreshed and free of the torment. Other times it would feel too cold and he would cry out in pain and fear.

This was the worst part of his illness. At first, he had woken from these attacks to no sign of who had been there to assist him. His face would flush, not from fever, but from the shame of having needed anyone to take care of him.

However, now he was no longer alone. His eyes opened slowly and the fuzzy shape of his taller sempai appeared.

"Eric…"

Eric looked up from the book that he had been reading with a strange soft smile. He reached into his jacket and retrieved Alan's glasses. Once they were back on his face, Alan looked at Eric in surprise.

"What are you doing here?"

"Reading," Eric said, lifting his book as if it were obvious.

"That's not what I mean."

Eric shrugged his shoulders, but didn't answer the question.

Alan sat up slowly. There was a sudden wave of dizziness that hit him unexpectedly, but it vanished as quickly as it had come. He got out of bed, relieved to see that he was at least wearing his trousers, if nothing else.

Eric opened his mouth and held out a hand as if to stop him, but said nothing. Alan gave him a sharp look and went in search of his shirt.

"You should not be here," Alan said. "Don't you have work to do?"

"Ah…I gave it to the new recruit. It was easy enough to pass it off. Ronald said that I would just have to work for him tomorrow so that he could sleep off his future hangover," Eric said. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Well, I need to work," Alan said. "There's quite a bit of paperwork waiting for me at the office today."

"If you must. I suppose I'll just go back to my flat and continue my reading," Eric said, getting up and collecting his jacket and book.

Alan finished buttoning his shirt and reached for his comb to fix his mussed hair. Eric appeared in his reflection behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder. His hand felt cold.

"Just…be careful, all right," Eric said.

Alan spun to face him with another dark look. It lasted just a moment as he looked into the concerned green eyes once more. Why did it feel that there was more being said here? Why couldn't he understand it?

* * *

A small pot waited on Alan's desk when it arrived at his desk. A small plant of Erica flowers looked at him and he sunk down into his chair. _Solitude…_ That was what he had told Eric the flower meant. He reached out to gently touch the small white blossoms and felt like crying.

In the beginning, all Shinigami were born alone, surrounded by others like you, but still very alone. That's what he had told Eric, but the older Shinigami said that there were always others living their lives just like him and things didn't have to remain that way forever.

Why did the sad blossoms make Alan think of Eric's smile? Of his off-colored jokes and constant teasing of their teammates? There was nothing of Eric in these flowers. He was not solitary, but a social man who charmed everyone around him. Why did the flowers make him feel as warm as being around Eric did?

"Alan Humphries."

Alan looked up quickly in surprise, not expecting to see William there. "William-san, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were there."

"It is all right. I need to speak with you regarding yesterday…" William began.

"I'm terribly sorry. I know I should have completed the paperwork, I won't let it happen again," Alan said quickly.

"Ah," William said. He paused for a moment and pushed his glasses up his nose. "We do not have any investigations for you to complete at this time. However, there are several reports that I believe you are far more suited to completing than those they would normally be assigned to."

"William-san! There's no reason to stop me from going out into the field," Alan said.

"Yes, but I prefer **your** work to the idiocy that is supplied by Grell Sutcliff," William said. "These reports are intended for management and it will be necessary that they be completed with the utmost care."

William handed over several stacks of paper before Alan could protest further. The importance of the matter seemed enough for him not to complain further. He nodded and looked back up at William. "I will have these for you as quickly as possible."

"Thank you," William said. He gave a small bow and slipped away from the desk.

Alan turned back to the papers and looked at a small paper at the top. _See the funeral director in London, _it read. Alan read it several times before realizing that it was indeed instructions from William. He had no idea what this meant, but it was obvious that William believed it to be necessary.

* * *

"Heh…heh…heh…"

Somehow he was not surprised by the disturbing appearance of the Undertaker. The man hovered around him looking him over several times and generally leaving him to feel unnerved.

"I…it was…suggested that I see you…"

"Ah…you are dying then?"

Alan froze. Was it true? It seemed a cruel joke on William's part to send him here for that.

"But…then again…you are not like everyone else are you…no…not at all," Undertaker said, moving away from Alan. He retrieved a jar by the coffin he had been laying in and pulled out a bone shaped biscuit from inside. "Cookie?"

"Uh…no thank you," Alan said. "I…don't know why I'm here. It was suggested that I come, but…there wasn't any explanation."

"Your heartbeat is strange," Undertaker said. He moved close to Alan and placed his ear against his chest. Alan immediately jumped back in surprise. "Tut tut…" The Undertaker grinned and reached out a finger and dragged his nail down the front of Alan's shirt. The nail was surprisingly sharp, sending buttons in all directions.

"Excuse me!" Alan exclaimed, trying to keep his shirt closed.

"Ah…you are dying then…"

"Wh-what?"

Undertaker pulled the shirt open despite Alan's protests and revealed a deep red and black welt on Alan's chest. It was there for just a moment before fading away as if it had never been there.

"That will be your end. Thorns of Death…"

"Thorns of what?"

"Thorns of Death. A curse that will slowly torture you until you either end your own life or your body no longer feels anything but pain."

Alan's eyes went wide. "How…how did this happen? How do you know this?"

The strange old man laughed. "Payment is necessary to know all of the answers. But you couldn't pay it."

"But…I have to stop this. I have to get better."

"This I will tell you for free. There is no cure."

* * *

It was a death sentence. There was nothing that could be done for it. The Shinigami would live out his days in pain and torment until there would be nothing more.

Alan did not know how he finished working and went home after his meeting. He simply typed what was necessary and left it with William before returning to his silent home. He sat in the living room staring blankly in front of him for hours, not even noticing that it had gotten dark.

Knocking at his door suddenly woke him from his daze. Alan went to the door and opened it to a smiling Eric.

"Sorry to come by so late. I thought you would appreciate company for dinner but an emergency at work…" Eric trailed off looking down at Alan.

The younger shinigami was pale and his eyes looked desolate. Eric immediately gripped Alan by the shoulders seeing his body waver. He managed to steer them to the sofa before Alan collapsed. Alan dropped his head into his hands.

"Alan? What happened? Was it a case?" Eric asked.

"It's called the Thorns of Death."

"What?"

"I've been cursed. I will live like this, slowly getting worse until the only thing that I feel will be pain."

Saying it out loud made it seem final. It was true and he knew it deep in his heart. There was no turning back from his fate.

"Alan…" Eric suddenly grabbed hold of him and pulled him tight. The solid presence of the only one who had been secretly deemed friend in his mind felt strong. It was much stronger than he felt at that moment and he could no longer contain the emotions that had been welling up inside of him all day. He grabbed hold of Eric's jacket and began to sob.

It hurt, but not in the same way his attacks hurt. His emotions felt as if they were burning him raw. He felt so alone and hated it. Hated that there was something that would stop him from continuing on with his goals. Something that would take him away from everything that he had worked for.

He finally pushed away from Eric when he had nothing left in him to cry. Eric looked down at him sadly, looking hurt. His hand moved towards Alan's face but stopped and returned to his shoulder.

_Ah…is this the true curse?_ Alan thought to himself. He could see an echo of his pain in Eric's eyes. _Don't look at me like that. I'm not going to break. Stop looking at me as if I'm any different than I was before. _

"Thank you," Alan said, forcing himself to look away. "I…I feel better now."

"Oh…your welcome," Eric said awkwardly.

Alan took a deep breath and stood up. Somewhere in him he found a smile. "This isn't going to stop me from being hungry. Since you barged in, I suppose that means that you can buy me dinner."

"Now, I didn't barge in," Eric said automatically. He stopped quickly before it became a full tirade. Alan just grinned at him.

"Don't worry, Eric-sempai. I won't order the most expensive meal. You'll still be able to get two bottles of wine for yourself," Alan teased.

Eric jumped up and grabbed Alan by the arm, pulling him to the door. "You are more trouble than you're worth sometimes," he grumbled.

Alan laughed and pulled his arm free, but continued to walk with Eric. "It would seem that you shouldn't keep following me around then," he said.

Eric looked over at Alan for a moment before muttering "baka" under his breath.

The cool night air was refreshing and for just a few minutes, Alan let the problem fall behind him. There were still a few more days before his next attack would occur if he was careful. He had a lot to make up for. Perhaps he could return the favor and take Eric to dinner.

* * *

Disclaimer. The End.


End file.
